You might think I’m well past that milepole that marks one as an adult, but not going to lie — this adulting thing is hard, and I still struggle with it. When Ben says I behave like an adolescent, I won’t go down without a fight, but deep down, I know I probably do act like one a lot of the time. There, I admitted it (and just sentenced myself to a lifetime of being served a screenshot of this, dammit).
I still remember the day I had Jasper, I had this weird realisation of what a nightmare I had been to my parents. My craving for independence and freedom at that time, cast a hazy net over the crazy amounts of love and care they silently displayed everyday. To me, then, they weren’t the best parents, but then again, no one really is — we simply navigate life doing what we think is best. Also, I wasn’t the easiest child either — especially during those god awful teenage years — cut to, now, feeling awful about what I put them through. Oh look, maybe I am an adult! — and thank God for adulthood — making us see things objectively, with empathy and love replacing bitterness and remorse (though adulting is a whole other thing, I will maintain).Â
Where am I going with this? Well, I just put the finishing touches on one of my most sentimental pieces! Something I’ve been very nervous about, and somewhat shy to put out. Something that hit me with the realization of how big a personal milestone it was for someone who’s admittedly, fled from her feelings most of her adolescent life. My scrapbook from school is testimony to that. In it, scribbled, is my writing stating that I was most proud of being able to hide my feelings — and it all sounds so silly now, and slightly painful too. Makes me want to go back to my younger self and give her a hug (maybe therapy too), but also tell her how wrong she was.
Fast forward to now — thanks to Brené Brown, my annoying husband, Jaspy, my wise little kid (wonder who he takes after), and my soul sister Roshu, of course, I’m more accepting of my feelings and emotions, and have really started to talk about them without the need to justify them or be ashamed of them. My biggest achievement right now might be being able to be as vulnerable as I am, with the support of my near and near ones v unafraid to say I hurt, or that I get frustrated or feel low, without knowing why. It’s hard at times and I still struggle; I reflect back on my old self — sometimes, I want to brush everything under the carpet; other times, I put on a tough exterior, but I’m learning that that’s toxic and really isn’t a way I want to live my life at all.
And so, this ring. I wrote ‘Ma’ on it to celebrate my mum, and thank her for everything she’s done, and continues to do for me and her loved ones. I might not have seen it earlier, but it’s crystal clear now. The sacrifices, the almost saintly selflessness — I sometimes wish she were more selfish! I also wish I could go back in time and befriend her younger self and talk to her — ask her how she felt, what she wanted, what she dreamt of.Â
Motherhood has taught me a lot of things and continues to, every day — to look at life simplistically, to enjoy the little things, to say what we like and want, and of course, cry when it gets too much ?Â
This ring is for all the mothers — Mas, Nani Mas, Dadi Mas, Maasis, pet moms, plant moms, or just women mothering themselves. This is to serve you as a reminder to be more vulnerable, and kinder it yourself, because nothing looks and feels as good as being soft does.
